An open letter to either my first daughter or third son

Well, my little darling, here we are: just hours away from finding out whether you are our first daughter or our third son.

I adore this part because with names we love already sealed in our hearts, it really feels like we’re finding out who you are. Who has been in growing inside of me for these past twenty weeks. Your identity will take shape more vividly in our imaginations and we will start praying for you by name. Yes, there’s so much I cherish about this pivotal moment in a pregnancy–the 20-week ultrasound.

It’s only gone one way for me the past two times I’ve been through this. And the truth is, my heart sank a little both times. Don’t get me wrong, I was thankful for my lively, healthy baby boys, but I was yearning for a little girl. I needed a day or two to mourn the vision I had of life with a daughter. That’s just the truth.

So here we are at the next crossroad, but this time I’m finding myself much more neutral on the topic of your gender. I don’t have much of an intuition either way.

I think that’s mostly because your brothers have taught me that the gender won’t tell me a thing about your personality.

It won’t tell me what will make you giggle for the first time or what adventures you’ll ask me to go on with you.

Your gender will not tell me which family member you’ll remind me of when I see that certain expression.

Your gender will not change the new heights of joy you’ll lift our family to, nor will it determine what new challenges we’ll face.

I’ve seen firsthand what exponential love and connection transpires between siblings, and I know that nothing could keep your brothers from spreading that love to you. I am absolutely certain that you’ll bring a fresh and needed dynamic to our family no matter who you are.

Does any of this stop me from dreaming about either path that your gender will lead our family down? No. I could be a locked in BoyMom or we could be just one more sister away from an even roster.

Here’s the thing, peanut, I feel like I’ve got this mom to boys gig down. I still can’t catch a football to save my life and I can only take so much wrestling in a day, but I put my game face on and I get in there with those crazy rascals because I adore them. From the way they wrap their little arms around my neck as I read to them or tell me I’m the prettiest girl in the world–they melt me. I’ve learned more than I want to know about penises, and we have five totes of boy clothes just calling your name.

And yet, there are so many things about them that have been opposite my expectations of a boy: they were verbal from the get-go and we have delightful, thoughtful conversations every day. They surprise me with their imaginations and their love of character play and dress-up. They’re both so nurturing and so interested (and usually willing to help ) in all that I do to make our household function. 

So, I’m pretty confident and content to say that another boy will fit perfectly into our family. I’ve been groomed for it. I love my boys and a third boy will be loved no differently. And yet, I know that another boy will bring his own personality, mystery, antics, and tricks that will surprise us, challenge us and stretch us in different directions.

A daughter feels like a far-off dream now. But what keeps me hoping for her isn’t so much the immediate things I thought I wanted the first time around (dress-up, good conversations and a nurturing spirit–because I’ve found all of that in these first two boys.) But instead, it’s my adult relationship with my own mom. It’s me wanting to walk through life with someone whose life could look a lot like mine. I want the intimacy that just cannot be replicated with a daughter-in-law. I want the lifelong friend–and that’s not to say that my boys will not be lifelong friends–but it’s just different; there’s no way around that. And I’d just love to try something different, I suppose.

So, little one, it won’t be long now before we’ll start calling you by name around our home. We’ll know and there won’t be any more dreaming in either direction, we’ll just know. And we’ll know in our hearts that the God in whom we put our trust for all the days He ordained for your life can also be trusted with determining your gender. He knows. There’s purpose in the ordination, and that’s where I’ll find my peace–whether you’re our third son or our first daughter. <3