When Little Becomes Middle

Dear little love,

There are only weeks left now.

Until your identity shifts.

Until the biggest change of your little life.

You’ll go from Little Brother to Middle Brother.

And I know you’re excited. I see how you nurture your teddy bear and baby dolls, I love how you speak your sweet toddler gibberish to my growing belly, and I just know you’ll make an amazing big brother.

But the weeks are winding down.

And I know in my heart how this is about to go; the contractions will hit and I’ll kiss you goodbye in your sleep, I’ll get in the car with your dad and I’ll weep for miles because the next time I see you, you won’t be my baby anymore.

You’ll look so much bigger than you ever have. We’ll expect so much more of you. I’ll be so much less available to you. It’ll never be just like this ever again.

You’d think I’d be used to the dramatic change that bringing a new life into our home promises. But I think experience has only made me more aware of it and more grief-stricken about it.

There is a whirlwind of change coming our way.

Mommy is about to go into sleep deprivation mode with her hormones crashing and her hair [literally] falling out. She is about to be stuck in one place nursing your baby brother for hours of every day, changing diaper after diaper, and snuggling his little cries away.

And then there is your big brother, who is requiring more from her with every week that passes. For some families, preschool age means driving to and from school each day and making it to lessons on time (which is a lot to do with a toddler and newborn in tow!) For our family, it means Mommy is trying to introduce a framework upon which we can build a homeschool education for all of you. And THAT is a daunting task. He’s up to bat first, and right now he needs to learn to read. And that big task will absorb what small amount of brain power Mommy has left most days.

And then there you are, sweetheart. Right there in the middle. You–blissfully in your toddlerhood where I hope so desperately that I won’t stop seeing you.

You–with your big emotions that you can’t always sort out on your own and you–with so many needs that you just can’t meet yourself (but often try to and make a mess while you’re at it!) You–with your budding communication skills and you–with your clumsy little toddler body. You–wonderful, whimsical you, growing into independence, thriving on curiosity, you with all of your questions and you with that little bit of babyhood still left in your body for snuggles and sweet songs with Mom.

You–right in the middle of your two brothers and so much change.

I don’t know how your dad and I will work all of this out. I do know that while patience and energy can run dry, our love for you and your brothers is an overflowing wellspring. I know that we’ll do our best, but I also know that we’ll fall short often. You’re going to get a crash course in patience and grace–both fruitful traits for you to learn, my love, but the lessons won’t always come to you easily.

I know that, Lord willing, we will survive the growing pains of this new season and ultimately, the gift of a sibling is something you’ll cherish far above your current position in our family. Another person whose upbringing so closely aligns with yours will be a precious friend to walk alongside through life’s struggles and triumphs. I hope that you and your siblings will have each other to navigate life with long after your dad and I depart from this earth. I am certain that these are infinitely valuable life skills you’ll be learning–to sacrifice for someone you love and to care for someone more helpless than you are.

I know that the gains far outweigh the losses in this new season. Even so, it’ll be a difficult one to navigate through. There will be good days, and there will be really, really hard days. But I know that welcoming new life is never something I want to cloud out with my own distaste for change or feelings of inadequacy. Life is always a gift; always a blessing. We’ll get through this, buddy, and we’ll all be stronger for it.

I can’t wait to watch you love this new little someone in our lives, and I can’t wait for him to love you back.

With love from right in the middle of my heart,
Mommy

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