I hate to bother you. But could you pencil in a feeding with me today?
I know you lead a busy baby life.
You’ve got places to go with all of this mobility that sprang up in the past few months.
You have so many non-food items that need to go into your mouth,
so many objects to scatter across the floor,
so many items on surfaces to reeeeeeach up high and promptly toss.
Listen, you have trash cans to knock over and cords to yank.
You’ve got all kinds of growing to do and teeth to cut. Do adults know what it’s like to double their weight in under one year? Hopefully not. But it’s hard work.
There is hair to pull and exposed skin to squeeze in your shockingly strong hand.
You have stairs to climb and furniture to mount.
You haven’t risked your life in enough ways yet today. Surely there is something Mommy has overlooked. A slightly elevated surface to tumble from? A sharp corner to bonk your head on? Something electrical to put in your mouth, perhaps?
Not to mention all of that giggling and baby babbling that needs to get done. No one can do that for you.
There are actually people in the world at this very moment who are holding phones, wearing glasses, and eating foods that you have not yet snatched from their hands. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I meeean, who has time to slow down long enough for a feeding? You don’t. You might give it a try (just to appease me, probably), but those 58 seconds of fruitless sucking that happen before letdown are just asinine. You can’t stand them. You’re not impatient, you just can’t spare the time when there are so many important things to do in your baby day. We all know that the Nap Monster is eating three to four hours of your valuable exploration time e v e r y d a y, so whatever is left of your waking hours can’t be wasted on something Mommy wants for you. Get real.
But if you could work some milk-consumption into your crowded schedule, my little nursling, I would so deeply appreciate it.
And if I can accomplish that today, I think I might make an appointment with the president next.