Here’s the scene:
We walk into Dairy Queen for the after-doctor’s-visit-ice cream I promised my boys. The line was six people deep from the register, and given that this location only opened a few weeks ago, I didn’t expect it to go quickly. I might’ve chosen a less lunch-heavy place for a treat but all of the speciality ice cream shops were still closed for another half an hour. So, we committed for the wait.
My four-year-old stood with me for a moment, but after a whole morning of waiting rooms and sitting still, I didn’t blame him for wanting to venture into the dining area. He chose a booth where I could see him and sat there playing some kind of pretend game with the salt and pepper shakers. Then, my toddler did that stiff-back, dead weight wiggle out of my arms so he could go and join his brother. This was not my top choice of arrangement, but there also wasn’t much harm so I just went with it.
Then the nice man behind me opened the door for two elderly ladies just entering the restaurant. He gave them his place in line and I smiled at them, wondering for a moment if I should give them my place too, but deciding ultimately that I needed to get through the line to get back to my kids.
“Look at those kids over there,” one of the ladies said to the other. “Whose kids are those?” She looked around expecting an answer.
“They’re mine,” I said, smiling.
“Well, look at them.”
I was looking at them. I hadn’t stopped looking at them. I thought for a minute that she might be pointing out how nicely they were sitting together just the two of them, but that was wishful thinking. “I see them,” I responded.
“They are playing with salt and pepper shakers. They should not be playing with those.”
“I think they’ll be okay.” But if things did get out of hand with the salt and pepper, obviously I would have intervened–hence the watching.
“One of them could get pepper in his face!” she raised her eyebrows at me.
Realizing that it was either go to the back of this growing line to retrieve my children from a situation that I did not find to be harmful in the first place, or just wait a little longer to finish the task I set out to do, I replied, “They’re fine, ma’am, thank you.”
But she couldn’t let it rest, “Well that’s just really not right.” Her eyes darted between my boys, me, and my pregnant belly.
I could feel that burning offense rising in my Mama Bear body and this was my final word to her, for better or for worse: “Ma’am, we’ve had a long morning already. Those boys right there have had to wait at the doctor’s office for nearly two hours and they both got shots. I promised them ice cream, and that’s why we’re here. I really don’t need your judgement today. But thank you.”
She stepped back and mumbled to her friend, “I guess I’m just a strict Grandma.”
Without having any idea what was going on, my boys walked over to me and waited patiently with me until we ordered. I was thankful I didn’t need to be turned in that lady’s direction any longer.
It has now been four hours since the Dairy Queen debacle went down,
and I’m still thinking about it (which means, for my own sake, I had better just blog about it ;).
This wasn’t my proudest moment as a parent by any means; I don’t stand before you claiming to be blameless. I suppose to that lady and maybe even to many of you, I made a poor choice by letting my young kids sit at that booth. The truth is,
my parenting is full of faults, and I am always in need of grace.
-But-
I do love my kids fiercely, and I am 100% certain that I love them more than that lady does. This leads me to conclude that I want what’s best for them even more than she does.
And I’d be willing to bet that this is just about always the case when you spot a parent making a poor choice (by your estimation) with their kid in a public setting:
That parent cares more about their own child than you do.
You’re just not seeing their brightest moment. We don’t usually have our brightest moments in public places, let me just say that.
But I realize that some well-meaning people will still want to speak up if they see something wrong, especially in the interest of a child. I get that. So if you do feel compelled to call someone’s parenting into question, ask yourself a few things first:
1.) Are the children in danger?
If they’re in immediate danger, by all means, step in and rescue them!
2.) Are the children endangering anyone or anything else?
Again, intervene if it has come to it.
3.) Does the parent seem physically able to care for their children?
(Real question, dad could be having seizure somewhere for all we know.)
–and then, before passing a negative comment, ask this–
4.) If, by your estimation, the children are not being adequately cared for,
is it possible for you to lend a helping hand?
Had this lady offered to hold my place in line so that I could go and sit with or retrieve my children, there could have been a whole different spin on my day today. Had she offered to go and sit with them while I ordered, I may have been a little creeped out, but again, an offer to help would have been more welcomed than her series of offensive comments.
5.) Could you offer an encouraging word, instead?
When you see a parent in public, you do not know their context. But there is always a context. I would be willing to bet that 95% of the time, the hot mess mom with the handful of kids you see at the grocery store? She’s having a harder day than any sane adult shopping alone. Getting young children out of the house solo is no small task. And no matter what kind of day she’s having, words can either lift her or crush her.
Why crush when you can lift?
Moms filled with encouragement will be even better moms to those kids you’re concerned about. Moms who are shamed by your words? They’ll feel defensive, hurt, and probably inadequate. And those moms will have very little left to pour into those kids you seem to care about.
I’ll probably never forget the ugly feeling that elderly lady gave me today at Dairy Queen. I’ll think about her judgmental glares the next time I dare to venture into public with my children without my husband, but I’ll probably stay home for the next few days to avoid it. Maybe she truly meant well, maybe she was just so completely out of touch with caring for small children that she couldn’t relate to the position I was in. Maybe her generation of parents would have never tolerated my laid back display of parenting at that moment. Maybe her generation was more okay with calling each other out. (I’m really thankful that our generation of parents leans so much more toward solidarity and encouragement.)
She obviously couldn’t see the way her words crushed me, and that’s the point here, friends.
It is literally never helpful to shame a parent.
If you cannot lend a helping hand or say an encouraging word or even give so little as a reassuring smile that tells a mom she’s doing okay, then it might be best to keep your judgmental thoughts to yourself.
If you have a relationship with a parent and are genuinely concerned about how they parent, then that is a matter to be taken up privately and compassionately.
But bear in mind that we as parents are all a little insecure whether we show it or not, we’re all even more tired than we look, and we’re all just doing all we can to keep it together most of the time–but we do love our kids and want what’s best for them. We do. So trust that.
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Whew! I think you handled this well, and wrote this beautifully! I’m not sure what I have done, especially taking pregnancy hormones into consideration! I would have been impressed to see two young boys keeping themselves entertained with salt and pepper shakers! My “grouchy grandma moment” was one time at the grocery store, and my then toddler was thoroughly enjoying a pouch! I love talking to her while I shop, and I asked “should we get some apples a old lady walking by retorted, “well some fruits or vegetables would be better than eating out of that plastic! We never gave those to our kids!” I think she was just jealous of the conveniences of modern motherhood!
I don’t understand judgmental people and why they feel the need to voice their negative thoughts all the time. I’d have understood it if your kids were running around like maniacs tearing the place apart, but to have two young kids sitting quietly in a booth playing with salt and pepper shakers is almost a small miracle and quite frankly a testament to their upbringing. And even if they should get pepper in their faces (which would also not be the end of the world even if it might be unpleasant for them), it would still not warrant that kind of negative reaction from a total stranger. (I’m pretty sure I would not have reacted as politely as you did) I agree with you that we should all rather encourage, give a smile, lend a hand and stop trying to pretend like we know better than the mother who is doing the very best she can for the kids she loves more than anything. I hope one day you can forget this negative lady and instead enjoy the fruits of your labor as you bring up your children with love and grace. Hugs to you!
I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re right, it’s such an icky feeling. I was at a children’s library one time and as my young kids unloaded a bookshelf so that they could read them on the floor (again, at a CHILDREN’S library), the librarian told me that I should “Get off my phone and pay attention to your children.” I felt so shamed. Thanks for the tips!
While I would never comment a criticism to a stranger, I love watching parents and children, particularly when I am out with a grandchild. Cell phones have changed the landscape of parks, libraries, zoos, museums and stores. Parents in particular need to be vigilant about the message they send their children when they are not fully present. Back to the ice cream story, if children are not running around disrupting others, how is moving salt and pepper shakers around a bad thing?
I was allowing my children to play in a church nursery once during off hours at the church and just having gotten off a night shift and waiting for my husband’s meeting to be over so we could all go home, I nestled into the chair in the room, and checked out with my phone for some “downtime”…until the grandma cleaning lady who was working at the church came in to shame me for letting them make a mess (which we were certainly going to clean before we left), and for not being the kind of mom (in that moment) who teaches my children to pick up one toy before getting out another …had to brush that one off, but I know the feeling!!
I love the idea of offering help. I’m always afraid I might offend someone by trying to smile or say something kind, but I will look for ways to help. Also wanted to say that I hope you can let go of that situation and know that it’s not worth using your energy to give it any power. Those ladies were the ones with the real problem. Why would you ever want to shame ANYONE? We don’t know how someone’s day is going. Why not be a positive light in someone’s day? Those older gals are probably negative control freaks who need to chill. It was inappropriate for them to speak to you like that. period. You are doing a great job! Your kids are happy and loved and safe. Keep up the good work!
Bravo! Other people’s opinions should never disrupt your intuitive parenting. Let me tell you, there will always be people who are willing to give their opinion on how to parent YOUR children but none of them are willing to come home with you to prove themselves right. God have grace on the older generation (as I am a grandma myself … who has learned to keep my mouth shut at times). Opinionated does not = loving and correct.
First off-cute cute cute boys!! I have 3 children and 4 grandchildren, I’ve learned over the years that ignorant comments are just that-ignorant. There wasn’t any problem with what you were allowing your children to do. You are going to find that there are many more ignorant comments the longer you parent. That grandmother may have been a ‘strict’ mother, but we aren’t given any information about how her children turned out as adults. Many times children who come from very strict households have some serious issues whenever they become adults. Most adults with issues developed those issues because there was some sort of disfunction that they had to learn to cope with. I’ve found over the years that if you and your husband feel that your parenting is in line with God’s view of parenting then your children will more than likely turn out fine. Remember, you are not raising children. You are raising adults. Allow them controlled freedom according to their age and abilities. That way they learn how to control themselves whenever they become teenagers. Knowledge is taught over years and years of situations, not by a super strict parent controlling every move them is made by their children.
I think that’s a more gracious reply than I would have come up with. And the salt and pepper shakers are totally fair game… even if one gets pepper in his face, he’ll just learn not to do that again, lol! Sounds like your trip was a complete success, your boys were angels, and you had the opportunity to write something that everyone needs to hear <3 Well done, Kate.
Pepper in their face?! Come on. There are worse things in life, lady! And as a mom of 3 preschoolers/toddlers that do not believe what mom says (“don’t play with that, you might get hurt”); bring on the pepper! Natural consequences! Anyway, I know the feeling and it sucks; I’m sorry! You’re doing a great job! Brush that lady’s comments off and move on. Bring on tomorrow! :)
You did well, dear Mama, and your answer was laced with truth and grace. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You may have just saved another mother like yourself a taste of her venom. Great post!
My first thought was, well if he does get pepper in his face, maybe he’ll learn not to do it again. My ‘baby’ just turned 6 last month, so I’ve long since decided that I like the trial and error way of learning simple things. My grandma probably would have had a similar reaction, not from a judgmental standpoint, but from a concerned one. While I had to learn what things in the house I could and couldn’t play with, my kids didn’t. My grandma decided it was just easier to remove temptation than to address issues as they came along, lol. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I’m sure you’ll be judged on something of importance one day and you’ll need a thick skin to get through it.
I get a kick out of those types of public behavior police. In almost every case of attempted mom-shaming, the “granny” has been younger than me, I generally tell them that I was super uptight when my older kids, the oldest being 29, were young. But now I realize that what I thought was important simply isn’t, and I won’t allow any uptight behavior warrior to steal my peace. That generally shuts them up. The judge-ers are usually flabbergasted that a woman “my age” is still having children ((yep, and I like it), then usually always ask my age and how many different fathers. They tend to get that pinched look when I tell them I’m in my 5th decade and my kids all have the same father. At this point the focus is off my toddler and baby, and they’re in full judgement mode of me and my smokin hotness 😉😉😉. Kids keep ya young. Being a “strict granny” type ages one quickly
You’re my new hero, Heather. Keep being awesome! <3
I have also had one of these moments! I have two boys under the age of 5 and have many time had to take both of them… well, everywhere by myself. If they are well within eye sight and not treating the booth as a giant jungle gym, then where is the harm? Now, I would undertstand her comments a teeny bit more, if you weren’t checking on the boys or left them in the dining area while you went to the restroom. I know I feel overly concerned sometimes about what other people are going to think of me when my boys sit at a table, just like your situation. I try really hard not to let it get to me, but sometimes it does. I think it’s even worse at the library, where some parents tend to be more like the “helicopter” type and never leave their kids side while I am barely keeping the two of them in the same general area. You are not alone!
I might suggest that they could have said to you, “why don’t you go and sit with the boys and we will hold your place in line. “
I agree and think you handled it beautifully. Also perhaps the grandma needs some grace too. As we age life gets hard, bodies ache and sometimes cruel things come out of their mouth. You were kind in a situation that must wouldn’t have been! That’s a giant win.
I really don’t see what you did wrong, nor a poor decision making from your part. Our kids need their independence, our trust. They don’t need a paranoid parent who wants to control everything all the time. They don’t need someone that see danger in everything. Old people specially, don’t get that, so I say: Ignore and move on. Our well being and confidence in our decisions cannot depend on other people’s opinions. Know who you are as a mom and be proud of it. From what I read, I personally think you are an awesome mom!
She probably just wanted you out of the way so she could take your spot in line….. Some people really are just that selfish….