The Stanford rape case is blowing up the conversation about rape culture. As it should. The statistics say that 1 in 5 women has survived sexual assault. That’s difficult to measure because so many survivors suffer in silence without seeking justice. Who can blame them when they see what the victim of the Stanford rape has been dragged through for a whole year of her life? And the justice she got for an actual rape conviction is six months of this monster in prison!? I look into the eyes of the women in my life who have suffered from sexual abuse and I see the deep scars and I ache with them for a better precedent to be set in our legal system.
But I’m not personally able to make changes to this case. And there are many more poignant opinions than mine that you should read. What I can do is look at this story and figure out what it could mean for my parenting. The fact is, there are so many men who believe that unwanted sexual confrontations are okay. As a mom of young boys, I want concrete ways to raise them to stay far far away from rape culture. And I want to start yesterday.
I think about my sons: my sweet baby and my inquisitive toddler. I think about how every rapist was once a baby; once a toddler. Each one was once silly and innocent and smiley like my boys are now. He might have had a mother who kissed him on the cheek after he fell asleep just like I do.
I want to know what happened. Where in his life did he get such a distorted view of sexuality? More importantly, what can I do as a mom of boys to raise mine well–to raise them to treat women with respect, like sisters, like people? What can I be doing right now to teach them not to use their strength to do something that will leave scars forever.
And it became so clear to me: tickling.
Hear me out on this. We tickle our little ones when they’re babies because it evokes that smile that makes our hearts melt. And as they get older, it brings a laughter we love to hear. Typically when tickled, my two-year-old giggles and he tickles us right back, but sometimes he says STOP. We usually do stop, but sometimes we don’t, and you know what that teaches him? If I am more powerful than you, then I can do whatever I want to your body whether you like it or not. Because I like it.
He won’t be two forever. He won’t be three feet tall for much longer. He will get bigger and stronger. And he will figure out pretty quickly that there are smaller and weaker people in the world. And he will have feelings that he won’t know what to do with sometimes. Right now, the very best thing that his dad and I can teach him and model for him regarding rape culture is restraint. Right now, we are the bigger and stronger ones–and we’re choosing to use our strength to love and nurture and protect him and his brother. So whenever we tickle or wrestle or pretend, if he says STOP–we stop. We show him restraint. We show him that we are listening and that we respect his wishes.
It’s a small thing. But it’s a real thing that you and I can do right now, in these early, formative years to keep our sons far away from rape culture. There will be many more values to teach them as they grow, but for now, for right now, let’s teach our sons restraint. Stop means stop.
Here are some great resources for teaching kids about their bodies from an early age (these are affiliate links that help support this blog):
I Said No! A Kid-to-Kid Guide about keeping Private Parts Private
NO Trespassing: This is MY Body
If that post resonated with you, I think you might appreciate one of these as well…
A-MEN, sister! We do the same with our boys. Another thing is to not train them they HAVE to hug/kiss/etc every relative or when saying good night or good bye. Physical touch is optional. We have LOTS of hugs and cuddles and snuggles in our house… but a high-five or a wave or just a smile is always acceptable as an alternative. It takes some explanations to visiting relatives sometimes, but we step in to validate our kids when they prefer to not have the physical contact and explain later to the adults when the kids aren’t around. This way they also learn we see them and value their personal space (and we expect them to do the same themselves).
Well said and thanks for another thoughtful and applicable post :)
“We usually do stop, but sometimes we don’t, and you know what that teaches him? If I am more powerful than you, then I can do whatever I want to your body whether you like it or not. Because I like it.”
Wow! This blew me away..
I have always felt that respecting my doughter’s boundries in all things is important, but how it can relate to rape culture really blew me away.
And although it has always pained me to see other people “just take that hug”, I never knew what to say to them, or even *why* I felt that respecting her when she said “no I don’t want a hug” was so important.
This post just gave me the words to explain. So now hopefully she won’t have to put up whith any more violations to her boundries, no matter how harmless they seem.
Will be following your blog!
Love this post, and Sarah’s comment too. Thanks so much for opening people’s eyes about this!
Thank YOU for reading and commenting (and tweeting!), Skye. It’s such an encouragement to me.
This was eye-opening! I’ve never thought about tickling that way, but you make such a powerful point. Whether you’re raising boys or girls, it is important to respect when a child says “stop.”
Yes! I’m so glad we’re on the same page, Stacey! Stop means stop.
I saw Lada Gaga’s video the other day and it also made me think about how sweet little boys get mixed messages that turn into life lessons. My thoughts immediately went to the little girls who are chasing my six year old son on the playground and in dance class to kiss him. And kissing him again and again even though he asks them to stop and then physically pushes them away. The adults around titter and giggle about how it’s so cute that the girls all want to kiss my son and I’m thinking NO! What if they were fifteen and the roles were reversed? Those same mothers would be outraged! No means no, whomever is saying it and and whatever the situation. (Unless I’m reminding him to brush his teeth before bed.)
Yes, Blythe! It’s so true. So many of the things we encourage little kids to do or at least laugh at or think it’s simply cute and harmless is laying a foundation for things to come. We must be vigilant and intentional as their moms to raise boys who will respect girls. (And still obey Mommy and Daddy!) Thanks for stopping by and commenting. :)
LOVE this so much!
I wrote a post at the end of last year about not forcing your child to hug or kiss someone for the same reasons.
What do we teach our children when we say they must allow touches or affection that they don’t want! I want my sons and my daughters to know that no means no… regardless of who is asking!
thank you.
Thanks for commenting, Kate! Two Kates tackling the issue of rape culture early on–there will be no stopping us! :) ps BIG fan of picklebums.
This is actually brilliant. I have a 16 month old son and I’ve wondered about these things myself but I have never thought about this idea. I will be sure to share and hope this gets out to many other mothers who have son’s. Thank you for this post.
Thank YOU, Amanda! Your words are encouraging. :)
Thank you Katie for writing this! It is so true that we need to start teaching our children while they are young.