I hear it often. You probably do, too. “I couldn’t do what you do; I don’t have the patience.”

For me, I’ve heard it at every tick deeper into this all-in, every-hour mom journey I’m on.

You had a natural birth?
You’re a stay at home mom?
You’ve breastfed past the first year?
You cloth diaper?
You have three under age four?
You taught your own kid to read?
You’re homeschooling?
You’re using the Charlotte Mason method? (Charlotte Mason=heavy on the “taking time to notice and chat about all things” lifestyle.)

“I don’t know how you do that, I wouldn’t have the patience.”

I hear that from other moms, friends, and sometimes I’ve even heard it from my own mom and husband (probably as they’ve sought to encourage me, I’ll grant, but I’m noticing a theme here…)

“I don’t have the patience to do what you do.” (<–We can say this to just about any person (not just moms) regarding whatever it is that they do well. I’ve for sure said this to my husband when he taught [mostly elderly] people how to use computers. I’ve said it to my mom about they way that she deep cleans. It’s just something that gets said a lot.)

Here’s what makes that remark feel like sandpaper against silk to me though:

Patience isn’t a personality trait; it’s a fruit of the spirit.

It’s not “who you are;” it’s what God is developing in you!

The whole basket of fruit is found in Galatians 5: love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

So let me ask you, when was the last time you said, “Oh I’m not kind enough to be a friend,” or “I’m not joyful enough to have a baby,” or “I’m not peaceful enough to work there,” or “I’m not loving enough to get married”?

Every one of these fruits of the spirit are attributes that those who have been called by the Lord are growing in every day, through all of the situations that He sovereignly puts us in. We don’t start our lives with a certain amount of joy or self-control or patience and never get more. The fruit are developed in us. We grow in each one, by God’s grace. The Holy Spirit supplies generously as we seek His help.

Most married folks would agree that we don’t love our spouses the same way we did on our wedding day; it has matured. It’s been tested and it’s grown richer and deeper. I believe that I loved my husband to MAX capacity of what my love tank could hold back then, but God has expanded the capacity tenfold since then. I couldn’t love him then like I love him now, but I look back and see the growth and thank our faithful Father for that truth.

But somehow, we get this misconception that we are either patient or we’re not.

It’s a personality trait rather than a a fruit of the spirit. Don’t believe that ridiculous lie! Especially when it comes to children, y’all. These little image bearers whose hearts are in many cases still dead in their sins and whose brains are still developing and whose bodies have simply not had all the experiences that we, adults, have had. Slow down with them. Have mercy on their foolishness. Seek out the Spirit to guard you from the impatience that turns into anger and fits of rage and ungracious speech.

Sometimes I can’t believe that anyone has been fooled into thinking I’m patient. Like, when I’m at home with the kids, no one to watch my parenting except God Himself, and I am absolutely LOSING IT with them. The Hulk voice that only they hear comes out of the depths of my soul. We’re probably running late for something and I’ve asked my older two to get dressed too many times to count and whether they’re deliberately disobeying or just losing focus along the way to obedience (we call our oldest “Side Track Jack” if that tells you anything), we needed to leave five minutes ago and still most of us don’t have pants on. My toddler just broke a jar of salsa on the kitchen floor (thanks for the help, babe) and my preschooler can’t BEAR to wear jeans today (AKA leg jail) and my kindergartener can’t find his other shoe (just put them in the same place every day and we wouldn’t have this problem every day, bud!) I can’t find the tops to the water bottles and two of the kids won’t finish their breakfast and can I just have a minute to go to the bathroom by myself?!

It’s too much and I don’t know why the Lord has given ME this PLIGHT. The stress almost brings me to angry tears. It has before. But that’s proven futile in the past. Dwelling on all that is burdensome never helps anyone, friends. (<–preaching to myself here.)

Instead, I’ve learned to whisper prayers and just do the next thing:
“Make me like you Lord: slow to anger; quick to forgive.”
“Make me abound in love and kindness for these little image bearers.”
“Help me to see how they are like You, Lord.”
“Help me to remember that they are weak, helpless, growing and learning.”
“Help me to remember that I have the advantage of getting to call on You for help. May they feel the same privilege of getting to call on me for help. May I be like You in they way that I answer.”
“Give me the patience, grace, joy, and self-control that only You can supply for this situation.”
“This looks like a mess to me, but you can redeem it.”
“Help me to be faithful, Father.”
“Glorify Your name with this situation and my response to it, Lord.”

That’s the difference. It’s not what five-years-ago-Kate did. Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s what one-year-ago-Kate did. But here I am at the mercy of my dear Father who has given me just enough struggle to recognize my utter dependence on Him so that I do pray continuously throughout my day. He has rendered me holier; sanctified me with every added child and every new challenge we face together.

 

I’m not a mom because I’m patient; I am growing in patience because I’m a mom.

That’s the answer. Children were exactly what I needed to be stretched, brought to the end of myself and matured in all of my fruits of the spirit. I’m not there yet. I still wouldn’t call myself “patient” on a resume, but God keeps expanding my capacity to be patient, bit by bit, hard day by hard day.

For you, it may be a different circumstance. A different “weaker brother” to have grace with. Another stressful situation that tempts you to lose your cool. Another burden to carry for longer than you thought you could. Or for you, it could very well be the kids. Whatever the case, shake off the mindset that you can’t change how patient you are. Call on the Lord for help, and He will surely be faithful to answer.

 

 

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